Persona 4

     I am a huge fan of the Persona video game series, and in particular, I'm all about Persona 4. I love the characters, the art style, and the game play, but most of all, I am in love with the story and themes of the game! I wanted to take a little bit of time to share my own thoughts about the game, its themes, and what we can take from its messages. 

     I am aware that this game does have certain problematic elements to it, and I do not defend those aspects. I enjoy the game despite those elements, not because of them. If you don't like the game because of those things, I fully support you. I find that the majority of the game has a good message, and interesting themes to explore. 

     In particular, a theme from the game, the Fog of Illusion, is one that resonates with me. I believe that most people don't want to accept the truth. The truth of the world around them, the truth of other people, and most of all, the truth about themselves. 

     Each of the main characters in the game must face a part of themselves that they didn't want to face, or even admit to having. I think that this is true for all of us. We have parts of ourselves that we don't like, and don't wish to admit to anyone. Yet, we must have the strength to face those aspects of who we are and seek to overcome them with our better selves.

     We cannot grow into better people if we refuse to face the parts of ourselves that are less than great. Its not shameful for us to have those darker aspects to our being. We all have that darkness, those selfish urges, deep within our hearts. It is how we act, and what we do with those elements, that decides who we are as people. Yet, we cannot act with justice if we refuse to even admit to why we act as we do, or think the thoughts that we think.

     More than that though, I do believe that most of society refuses to face what we are, and what we have become. Too many of us are willing to believe what we want to believe, rather than trying to understand the actual truth of a given situation. We condemn or condone without a true understanding, acting to preserve our constructed view of the world around us. We don't want the truth if it endangers our rose-colored view of our world.

     The aim of the final villain of the game is actually to give people what they truly want, which is a world where facts no longer matter. This being wishes to make it so that people live in their own bubbles of reality, where what they want to be true is truth, and contradictory information is omitted. That being realized that people seek the comfort of lies over the harshness of truth, and wishes to take from people the ability to see that truth.

     The thing is, facing the truth is hard. Admitting that you are flawed is hard, and admitting that the world is flawed is even harder. It really is easier to simply believe that things are good, and that the bad things are rare, and not worth your time or attention. 

     The main characters are forced to face these truths though, and find that they can no longer avert their eyes from the truth once they have been made aware of it. Even though most of the world around them still wants to pretend that things are good, they have been made to see that this is a comfortable fiction. Once they have faced their own darkness and become better people, the greater darkness of the world cries out to be challenged.

     When the team goes to confront the final villain, the being challenges their goal, claiming that the party is defying the will of the masses by pursuing the truth. It explains that the people wish to live in a world of fog, blind to the truths around them. It challenges their right to pull back the veil on the world, for the people wish to have that truth veiled.

     I say, just as the party did, that the will of the masses is wrong if this is what they truly desire. Even if that is the will of the people, what they want is wrong. Living a lie that harms others is unacceptable, even if it is painless. 

     Even if the whole world were to accept something evil and treat it as being good, those who see the truth have a duty to oppose the will of the world. That is, I believe, one of the core themes of every Persona game. A person, even if they are alone, has a duty to stand up for what is right and just, even if they stand against the whole world. 

     What does all of this mean? Well, it speaks to the importance of examining our own thoughts, feelings, and actions with the gaze of truth. We must be willing to admit to the truth of why we are the way we are, how we act, and who we have become. We must also have the courage to speak the truth when people are embracing lies. We must all be willing to fight for the truth, even when no one wants to know what that truth is.

     Yes, that is difficult, but it is essential. If we refuse to accept the truth, and we live based on the lies we tell ourselves, then we have no hope of bettering ourselves. We grow because we accept our mistakes and learn from them. We become stronger because we overcome our weaknesses. If we refuse to do those things, we stagnate in our lies of perfection.

     So, I ask you to step up and face your own truth. Accept who you are, learn from that, and better yourself accordingly. Only then will you have the tools of truth needed to face the world. One cannot effectively demand truth from the world when one is mired in lies of the self.

Empathy

     Empathy is one of the most important qualities that a person can have. The ability to put yourself in the shoes of another, to understand their feelings as though they were your own, that is both powerful and essential. Yes, I say that it is essential. It is essential for a functional society that is not mired in evil to have its people know empathy for one another. 

     At its most basic level, empathy helps us to determine if an act is good or evil. It is not, of course, the sole determining factor, but it does help. I can say that taking food from a hungry person is bad because, were I to be hungry and have my food taken from me, I would be condemned to starvation. I would not wish to starve, so I know that condemning another to starvation is bad. Harming a person is wrong, and I can know that because I do not wish to be harmed. If I don't want to be harmed, why then would I wish to harm another person, knowing what I do about harm?

     Yet, we seem to lack empathy as a society. Far too many people are willing to ignore the suffering of others because it doesn't affect them directly. As they are not the one suffering, they feel no need to alleviate the suffering of other people. Without empathy, the pain of others becomes "not my problem" and gets totally ignored, or even justified.

     Once we remove empathy, it becomes easy to justify harming others. If I want something you have, and I have no empathy, I can just take it from you. After all, I wanted that thing you have, and I had the power to take it from you. Why should I not? 

     A society without empathy is what we have now. It tells us that our own success is what truly matters, regardless of the costs to others. The garnering of resources is what matters, regardless of how many others must go without due to that hoarding. The pain of others matters not. All that has meaning is your own pleasure, your own personal gain, and anything that gets in the way of your personal benefit is wrong, even if it is the needs of others. 

     In fact, we are told that those who suffer often brought it on themselves. The destitute are blamed for their own destitution, the mentally ill are damned for their illness, the oppressed are held at fault for their own oppression. We are told that success and failure, pleasure and pain, are earned by one's own efforts, and that we are only responsible for ourselves.

     Perhaps worst of all is that we hold up selfish personal gain as a virtue, and sharing of wealth is derided as "communism" or unrealistic. In many cases, attempts to have empathy and be compassionate are ridiculed. We are told to grow up and face the real world when we demand that people step up and care about one another. We are called unrealistic when we ask that people think about the needs of others alongside their own needs. 

     Why? Because those who refuse compassion must shame those who embrace it to justify their own life choices. By attacking and lambasting those who call for people to have empathy, they can place the onus on those who oppose selfishness. They make us try to justify our compassion, rather than being forced to justify their own heartless lack of empathy.

     Imagine if our society practiced empathy instead of blatant selfishness. What if all of us put ourselves in the shoes of other people, and acted according to the needs of everyone? Well, we would all have what we needed! I say that without hyperbole.

     If the wealthiest of us truly felt compassion for those suffering due to a lack of basic resources, they would provide what they could to help, and help they could. It is a matter of fact that, if the wealthiest pooled their resources and devoted that to the aid of the less fortunate, we would be able to lift up all those who are downtrodden and care for their needs. 

     If empathy was taught early on, I think we could fight all manner of bigotries on a more even footing. Hatred of others for who they are would be a lot harder if we all understood the simple truth that we are all human, that we all feel love and pain, and that we all have the same needs. 

     Of course, there will be people who ask "what does the suffering of others have to do with me?" Quite simply, we all benefit from a more empathetic society. Any of us could one day be put in a position of suffering, one that requires the aid of others to overcome. To look at it from a selfish point of view, a society with empathy would care for any who need care. 

     Sure, you might be in a good position right now, and may not need any help to get by. That can change at any time. One disaster, and you could be without even the most basic of resources. One health crises, and you could go from being stable to unable to make ends meet. This is a fate that could befall any of us, and if such a time were to come for you, I would think that you would hope that other people would show you some compassion and aid you.

     Beyond the selfish angle, I think that we should all want a world wherein people are cared for. I would think that we should all want a world where those who suffer are cared for, and are not left to suffer. Really, I think that we should all want to care for each other. 

     The thing is, we have enough resources to care for everyone. This is not a matter of debate. We have enough food to feed everyone, enough clothing to clothe everyone, enough housing to house everyone, and enough medicine to provide everyone with medical care. These things are simply true. We need to care enough about other people to provide them with these things. That is the only actual obstacle to us taking care of everyone that needs care.

     This could very well mean that those who have the most might have to accept having less, but that should be a matter of course. When a person has one hundred times the wealth of another person, they can easily afford to lose some of that wealth in order to help others not starve. In fact, I would say that this should be expected, and even required, of those who have the most.

     Ultimately, we have a choice as a people. Do we care for one another and provide for the benefit of all, or do we allow others to suffer for our own personal benefit? I, for one, cannot accept a world where people deny others their basic needs to garner more resources for themselves, especially when they have no need for those resources. I believe in a world where we elevate everyone, care for everyone, and love everyone, regardless of their needs. Do you?

My Transgender Life

     I am a transgender woman, and as you may be able to imagine, this has been a fundamental part of my whole life. I wanted to share a rough story of my life, based on how being transgender has affected my life. People seem to wonder why so many of us are so openly and prominently transgender, and for me, this is a huge part of why I proclaim my identity so loudly. That identity, and how society has reacted to it, has shaped me since my early days.

     I knew that I was 'different' from a very early age. I was assigned male at birth, and was raised as such, but that never really worked for me. I felt estranged from my supposed fellows, and drawn to the girls that were supposed to be alien to me. In fact, I would spend my recess time during kindergarten playing with the girls, talking about girly things, and making fun of boys. 

     Once I began to see that this was not accepted by the boys, and brought down their wrath, I isolated myself from both groups and lost myself in books. I spent much of my early childhood reading about fantasy worlds, wishing that I could be in a place far different from the one I had found myself in. Deep down, I knew that it was because I didn't feel right with the role I had been assigned, or with the identity I had been given, even if I didn't have the words to express it.

     I finally began to understand what was different about me when I began to watch the anime Sailor Moon as a young teenager. In particular, there's an episode wherein the main character discovers the truth about her identity as a princess and dons a beautiful white dress. I wanted, more than anything, to be her, to be in that dress, to feel like a princess. 

     That keen desire was painful in its intensity. I knew that I wasn't supposed to want that, but its all I wanted. The other shows I was drawn to also had female main characters, and when I was given the choice in a video game, I would choose to go with the female option. It never felt right when I was made to play as a male. I was never able to really identify with the experience in the same way. Truth be told, it was pretty obvious that I was transgender from an early age, I think.

     Once I began to figure things out for myself, at least a little bit, I knew that there would be trouble. My parents, my father in particular, are judgmental people. They were not overly accepting of gay people, nor were they tolerant of gender non-conformity. I knew that expressing this part of myself would be dangerous, at least for so long as I depended on them for my food, clothing, and shelter. I knew that I'd have to put those feelings aside while living with them.

     There was also society at large. Even at a young age, I knew well that society was not welcoming of people that dared to be different. People who felt like me were the butt of jokes, or far worse. I knew that, if I talked to the wrong person, or expressed in the wrong way, I could place myself at risk. I'd heard enough stories of what happened to people caught being "gay".

     This made me more apathetic about life. I knew that the way I was living now was not for me, but I felt trapped. I ended up falling in love, and she made things easier. Though she didn't really understand any of what I was dealing with, and was somewhat uncomfortable with it, she did try to give me the space I needed. Still, it was not enough.

     I was living a lie, and it was beginning to destroy me from the inside out. I began to party way too hard. I would drink copious amounts to obliterate my senses and not have to deal with how I felt. I acted reckless and self-destructive, because I felt no attachment to myself. If I couldn't express myself in a way that felt right, I didn't much care what I did.

     For a variety of reasons, my own excesses included, that relationship ended up falling apart. I fell into a pretty dark period of depression after that. It was in that darkness that I began to see the one way out, which was to finally admit to myself that I was not male. I had to honestly grapple with that fact and figure out what I was going to do about it. If I didn't, I could guess that the suppressed feeling was eventually going to destroy me.

     Around this time was when I met the wonderful person that would later become my spouse. We felt drawn to one another, and when I told him my secret, he confessed one of his own. We were both transgender! Me, a trans woman, and him, a trans man. We then decided to help one another come out. While that was a struggle all on its own, it was a glorious one!

     The act of coming out as transgender fundamentally impacted everything, from my relationships with friends and family to how I felt about myself and lived my life. Something that doesn't get said enough is just how much of a cost there can be to coming out as trans.

     You see, my immediate family rejected me for it. I was disowned, and they do not speak to me. Some of my extended family has proven to be more open-minded, and they have accepted me for who I am, but my immediate family has no relationship with me any longer. I specifically took the last name of my spouse to renounce my connection to the family line that birthed me. His family took me in and has accepted me as a woman, and as the wife of their son.

     The majority of my friends also found themselves to be uncomfortable with my change, and moved on without me. One proved to be a truly bigoted person, and my coming out earned me his hatred. These were friends that I had once thought of as family. People I had shared experiences with for, in some cases, almost fifteen years! Only one of those friends stood beside me, and she ended up later coming out as a trans woman herself.

     Here's where things get good. Despite those costs, I gained something that is worth everything I lost, and so much more: happiness! Having my partner and his family call me by my correct pronouns, being seen and treated as a woman, and being able to express my thoughts and feelings without fear, those things made life feel like it was something special.

     The first time I felt safe enough to try on a dress, thanks to my loving partner, it was as if the world suddenly made sense. It wasn't really about the dress, though it was lovely. It was about feeling allowed to be myself for the first time in my life. I could take off the mask and reveal the woman long hidden underneath it. I could like the things I wanted to like, wear the clothes I wanted to wear, and be the person I knew myself to be! 

     Also, this was what let me finally understand something important. A part of what I had been feeling for most of my life, that nagging feeling that everything was wrong, was my dysphoria. Looking at me and seeing what was a male figure to me was deeply troubling, and I hated it. I hadn't really understood that though, not until I began to see a woman in the mirror. Once I saw her in the reflection, I knew what it was that I had hated about my reflection. It hadn't been me. 

     It was a process of baby steps for a while. I felt safe and free at home, but being outside, in the larger world, was a different matter. It took me a while to work up the courage to go out in a dress and done up with makeup, but with the assurances of my partner, I was able to do it.

     Every time you go out as you, it gets easier to do it the next time. You work past the fear, the uncertainty, the confusion, and you reach that point where it feels like the most natural thing in the world. One day, your presentation stops being a "special occasion" thing, and finds its way into your everyday life. At least, that's how it was with me. I had to ease my way into it, but once I did, I took off and have never stopped going.

     That's about the time when I began to feel the strong desire to get on hormones. The more I lived this life, the more I knew that this was me, and that I wanted to be more like me. Hormones made sense. Luckily, I was able to get on them with relative ease, being an hour away from a clinic that has an informed consent program for transgender care. 

     The start of my HRT was one of the most amazing parts of my life. For a long time in my life, since early memories, I have felt a simmering anger deep within me. I kept it contained, but I just felt mad at the world, at the people, and at myself. I was mad at everything. Its the truth when I say that, after a few months of estrogen, that feeling of anger almost totally vanished. Having the right hormones in my brain let me feel better than I ever had before!

     It was a feeling of rebirth. I remember walking to work, roughly a month after starting hormones, and suddenly being struck with how beautiful everything looked, and how it felt like I had never truly experienced the emotion of the sights before. There was a strength to my positive emotions that I'd never had before, and that let me feel such joy at a simple and common sight.

     The physical changes that accompanied the hormones were slow, but edifying. I really began to feel comfortable as me, and happy with how I looked. It was as if everything about myself was now in alignment. Everything matched up and worked together harmoniously, for the first time ever. I don't think that there are words strong enough to describe the feelings of sheer relief and joy that come from feeling as though you are who you know yourself to be!

     This has also come with a new sense of self-confidence, and a true feeling of self-worth. I actually put effort into my appearance and my physical health, because I actually cared about me. I have real goals! I think about my future and plan for it, because I care about what happens. That was never something I worried about before coming out.

     I've made new friends, dear and close friends, after asserting my rightful gender. I've gotten married! I got to wear a beautiful dress and be married, something I'd always wanted. I've gained a job where my identity is respected, and I feel accepted. 

     The truth of the matter is that, before I came out and lived as me, I was never really, truly happy. I mean, there were some really good times, and when I could forget everything for a while, I could feel happy. Those times were fleeting though, and that feeling that something was missing would return. Now though, I am happier than I ever have been!

     Why did I put all of this out here? Well, I wanted to say that you can come out and be happy. You can have a decent life after transitioning. I'm not gonna say that my life is anything close to perfect, or even anything amazing, but it is a happy one. I feel like that's something we don't hear often enough in the trans community. There is hope for a decent future that goes past a couple of years. You can aspire to have happiness, love, and a somewhat secure foundation.

     Also, to be honest, I really wanted to tell this story. It felt cathartic to type it all out, and to think about these things. I hope that this can help people understand a bit of the trans experience, or maybe give some hope to a trans person. I can only offer my story with the hope that it is of use to you.

Introduction!

     Hello! I hope that you are having a wonderful day! I'm overjoyed that you decided to pop in and see what this page all about! I am Thursday, a 34 year old proud transgender woman, social justice paladin, and socialist. I am pansexual and polyamorous. I'm a happily married woman, married to a non-binary transgender man. I am a resident of the accursed United States.
     I am primarily active on Twitter, where I can be found as @fem_thursday. While there, I do my best to put out a message of hope and validation. I try to affirm my fellow trans and non-gender conforming people, and offer some of my thoughts about the issues surrounding who we are. I also do my best to counter the narratives of the bigots who decry our existence and call us predators, as well as oppose those who insist that there is only one right way to be transgender or non-binary. I fight against exclusionary ideologies that call people "transtrenders" or other such inflammatory and harmful names. I oppose gate-keeping with all of my might.
     I struggle with ADHD, severe anxiety, and PTSD, and I advocate for all others who must struggle with mental illness. I firmly believe that it is the duty of society to become more tolerant of us, and more accessible to us. This also goes for those of us who struggle with physical disability. I am hard of hearing, and in time, will become mostly deaf. Acceptance and accessibility are issues that are dear to me, and are a matter of life and death for many.
     I stand for the rights of all people, and I stand against bigotry and ignorant hatred. I believe in the inherent value of life, and I strongly believe in the right of all people to exist without undue suffering. All people have the right to food, clothing and shelter, regardless of their ability to be productive. Wealth and power must be distributed fairly and equally among the people. I believe in the power of social revolution, and in the need for such a monumental event in our lifetimes.
     I decided to make this blog so that I could more fully put out the various ideas floating around in my head. So, while many of these posts will probably deal with issues related to gender, sexuality, social justice, and larger social concerns, not all will be so heady. I'll also be talking about my thoughts on media, games, and whatever else might pop into my mind! It will be an ongoing side project of mine, and may change formats, be subject to irregular updates, or may even be left by the wayside in due time as other interests take charge of my limited amount of free time.
     Feel free to contact me, either through this platform or on Twitter. Questions, comments, concerns, complaints, or suggestions for thing to talk about are all welcome. Of course, hate is not welcome, but I know that it not being welcome won't stop anyone. So, feel free to shoot your bigotry my way as well, and I'll be sure to use it as fodder for writing something. Otherwise, I hope that the content I provide, or will provide soon, brings you entertainment, education, and new thoughts!